demieplie

I went to Europe since I have been back I have not been able to control my eating habbits. In Europe everyday I was drinking. My friends there said I eat like a baby so I started to eat more and eventually by the third day my 1/2 slices of bread turned to two croissants with butter. Instead of leaving food on my plate half way through the trip I was eating everything on my plate and then wanting more. Now that I am home my stomach wants food. I cant get back in my routine no matter how much I try. My clothes that were big now fit normal and I HATE IT. I gained 4 pounds. I am freaking out. My roommate says I look the same. (How can 4 lbs look the same)!!

Food today.

Breakfast: coffee
Lunch: Trader Joes white meat burrito
spinach
3 cherry tomatoes
1 chocolate square
snack: Pear
10 baked shrimp chips
throughout the day another coffee

I want dinner but I have eaten so much food today.
If anyone reads this does the food I consumed seem like a lot? Or does it sound about as much as some of you eat? Please let me know because I feel confused.

Today I was told that I was "tiny" not just my roommate but other people as well. Even when I drive in my car some vehicles wave at me and more guys ask for my number. The guy that I am crushing on told me that he loved my body. I truly wonder how a couple pounds lost can change so many reactions toward me. I am the same person. Once I loose 4 more pounds I hope to be satisfied. How much longer can I go. I reach a goal weight then Im not happy so I make a new one and then realize that again I am just not happy.

Sometimes I think I have control over my life and feel as though having an eating disorder is imaginary in my head. Reality eventually sinks in when my roommate tells me how little I have eaten and I consider it to be a complete binge. She thinks Ive lost my mind when I dont want to eat even one chip with hummus on it because "Im scared".

I feel like I need this site as a comfort as a way to deal with life but that would then contradict the fact that I want to view my life as normal. I need to organize my life, why Im here.

I can never sleep and I lay in bed all night feeling my bones wondering if it was just a little bit more prominent would that make me more beautiful.

I feel lost.

worked out for two hours to get rid of that disgusting sandwich. Surprisingly even from eating it I lost another pound!!

meals today

crystal light
green tea
protein shake
cherry tomatoes 3
quaker oat rice cake
unsweetened natural apple sauce
cheese
raspberries 2
raw natural nut mix

Even with all the food my calorie intake was negative

food today

crystal light
orange juice
plum
4 stone whole ground crackers
tofu chili / light sprinkle cheese

Did I do good????

worked out for two hours

Down to 107... sometimes fluctuating with 106 I think its because I drank soy milk.
Worked out for two hours yesterday.
Yoga today

Food today so far

1 plum
1 slim fast

Food today

worked out for two hours Spinning class, weight training and 15 min abs

1 banana
3 cherry tomatos

1 sardine
tofu
3 soy crisp crackers
spinach

Forced to eat dinner out

spring rolls

after calculating with working out I consumed roughly 650 cals today EEKKS!
Tomorrow is going to be just as bad because I will be with the same people all day who order food on the menue for me when I dont want to eat.

I dont know how to insert pics. If anyone reads this can they let me know?

Ok I need to go back to posting my meal plans. I need to know what is good for me and bad.
So I dropped from 120 lbs... to 112 lbs.... to 107 lbs. I lost the most weight when I took most carbs out of my diet.

What I have eaten today
1 Banana
6 Cherry tomatoes
3 Whole stone wheat crackers with Brie Cheese and salsa

Lots and lots of crystal light my new favo flavor is the raspberry ice tea.

My stomach feels so full. Why do I feel like I binged???

I went to bed really late last night. Yet I still managed to set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. so that I could go to the gym.

I worked out and then was scared to death to get on the scale. It seems as though I lost 4 pounds from two weeks ago. Is it possible? It was a scale at the gym. I feel the same, look the same, and my clothes fit the same. It must be wrong or am I that screwed up in the head that I do not notice an improvement in my body.

Am I that screwed up that no matter how much effort I put in something I still feel as if Im a failure.

GW over all: 95
HW 120
LW 95
CW 108

still not happy but hangin in there.

My roommate asked me what I ate last night.
I told her for breakfast I had an Ensure protein drink
Lunch I had soup
Dinner I had salad (but I had a huge salad so it was a lot of calories)

I also had one chocolate piece.
She said that I didnt eat enough and was concerned. She was eating cheese and meat so I decided to eat a slice and then I had one pita chip with Hummus.

It was so late but I had to eat it to prove that I was fine and there is nothing wrong with me.

Whats wrong with wanting to be skinny??? I dont think its bad and I ate three meals that day.

Other then focusing on food I am not sure if I like my job. I hate not knowing where my life is going or what my career should be. I feel so lost that maybe if I dont eat things will get better and I can just DISAPEAR.

Went out with friends...
They ordered food and I just ordered a coffee drink. I told them that I would pick at their food.
Conversation was so deep that no one noticed that I didnt eat.

Later that night we went out to Karaokee and I had two alcoholic drinks.
I had the worst headache the next day I think because there was nothing in my system to absorb the food.

Binged last night for dinner
Pizza 3 slices

I hate how some days I do wonderful and other days I dont do so well.

A show about eating disorders is on FOX 11 if anyone lives in the California Area.

Today I was able to fit in a pair of jeans that I have been struggling to get my butt and thighs in.

I was scared to try them on and they went up smooth like butter. I am happy because I am also on my period and I was still able to get them on

Yesterday I ate
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Hummus, crackers, handfull of nuts
Dinner: soy chili with tomatos and cheese on it
Snack: One slice of wheat bread with butter (bad I know)
Felt good about most of the food because portions were really small.

Breakfast: Tea
Snack: Apricot
Lunch: Tomato Soup, Spinach, Wheat Thins
Snack: Small handfull of Nuts
Dinner: Tilapia, Veggies, Apple

Water all day long!!

I liked this link:

To remember


http://www.freewebs.com/everythingprothinspo/

http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm

Breakfast: Hummus 3 crackers Tea
Lunch: Cup onion Soup 12 Cheetos
Dinner: Soup with Carrot, Pea Pods, Shrimp

Actually feel proud of my meal choices today although the onion soup had more sodium in it then I would of liked.

Breakfast: Tea
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Salsa, Shrimp, Pinto Beans, Veggies

Lots of water
about 4 cups of tea through out the day


Got home late and I ate a snack size candy bar: Sometimes I feel as if I have no control
Damn the chocolate companies!!

I was so happy because I had my food under control
breakfast I had tea and some cherry tomatoes

Snack another cup of tea three crackers and hummus

my friends asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch and I declined and said I had a lot of work to finish. (I hate to eat out that is when I reach my point of no control) I always feel that since I bought food which is extremely large portions that I need to finish everything. I always feel sick after eating out and I hate myself and I look in the mirror and see gluttony, a fat loafer, pure ugliness.

Anyways
My friends and I met up again later that night and they could hear my stomach growling. I said I wasnt hungry but we all walked into a restaurant. Picturing all the nasty fat I was grotesque to eating anything, but I ordered chicken fingers I only had three which was ok I guess.

We were all out on the town and then they wanted breakfast thats when I completely lost it and felt the relapse. I had bacon, eggs, and a bagel with tons of cream cheese on it. Why did I eat all of it. I didnt even want it but I cant control myself and throw food away.

I hate restaurants.......... why cant friends just meet at a place where there is no food....... why do things have to always revolve around eating?

Doing great today.
I actually got a compliment that I looked skinnier and today my friend said she loved my jeans.
Although compliment not directed toward my body it still felt nice.

Eating great

Breakfast Hummus and Cherry Tomatoes
Lunch: Tomato Soup with spinach 3 sesame crackers

Oh but I had one chocolate Truffle (I guess its ok to treat once in a while)

Resisted going out to eat with friends!!

Today was Victorias Secret Semi Annual Sale: Bras and Underwear still fit the same. I guess looking at it in a good way things are not too tight. Would love if things were too big maybe in a couple months.

Going to the movies tonight (I am going to wear my new sexy underwear wohoo)