demieplie

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 00:46:18 GMT

I went to Europe since I have been back I have not been able to control my eating habbits. In Europe everyday I was drinking. My friends there said I eat like a baby so I started to eat more and eventually by the third day my 1/2 slices of bread turned to two croissants with butter. Instead of leaving food on my plate half way through the trip I was eating everything on my plate and then wanting more. Now that I am home my stomach wants food. I cant get back in my routine no matter how much I try. My clothes that were big now fit normal and I HATE IT. I gained 4 pounds. I am freaking out. My roommate says I look the same. (How can 4 lbs look the same)!!

Food today.

Breakfast: coffee
Lunch: Trader Joes white meat burrito
spinach
3 cherry tomatoes
1 chocolate square
snack: Pear
10 baked shrimp chips
throughout the day another coffee

I want dinner but I have eaten so much food today.
If anyone reads this does the food I consumed seem like a lot? Or does it sound about as much as some of you eat? Please let me know because I feel confused.

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 07:35:29 GMT

Today I was told that I was "tiny" not just my roommate but other people as well. Even when I drive in my car some vehicles wave at me and more guys ask for my number. The guy that I am crushing on told me that he loved my body. I truly wonder how a couple pounds lost can change so many reactions toward me. I am the same person. Once I loose 4 more pounds I hope to be satisfied. How much longer can I go. I reach a goal weight then Im not happy so I make a new one and then realize that again I am just not happy.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:41:48 GMT

Sometimes I think I have control over my life and feel as though having an eating disorder is imaginary in my head. Reality eventually sinks in when my roommate tells me how little I have eaten and I consider it to be a complete binge. She thinks Ive lost my mind when I dont want to eat even one chip with hummus on it because "Im scared".

I feel like I need this site as a comfort as a way to deal with life but that would then contradict the fact that I want to view my life as normal. I need to organize my life, why Im here.

I can never sleep and I lay in bed all night feeling my bones wondering if it was just a little bit more prominent would that make me more beautiful.

I feel lost.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 05:18:11 GMT

worked out for two hours to get rid of that disgusting sandwich. Surprisingly even from eating it I lost another pound!!

meals today

crystal light
green tea
protein shake
cherry tomatoes 3
quaker oat rice cake
unsweetened natural apple sauce
cheese
raspberries 2
raw natural nut mix

Even with all the food my calorie intake was negative

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 23:41:00 GMT

food today

crystal light
orange juice
plum
4 stone whole ground crackers
tofu chili / light sprinkle cheese

Did I do good????

worked out for two hours

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 17:53:10 GMT

Down to 107... sometimes fluctuating with 106 I think its because I drank soy milk.
Worked out for two hours yesterday.
Yoga today

Food today so far

1 plum
1 slim fast

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 05:55:42 GMT

Food today

worked out for two hours Spinning class, weight training and 15 min abs

1 banana
3 cherry tomatos

1 sardine
tofu
3 soy crisp crackers
spinach

Forced to eat dinner out

spring rolls

after calculating with working out I consumed roughly 650 cals today EEKKS!
Tomorrow is going to be just as bad because I will be with the same people all day who order food on the menue for me when I dont want to eat.

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 05:42:54 GMT

I dont know how to insert pics. If anyone reads this can they let me know?

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 23:33:09 GMT

Ok I need to go back to posting my meal plans. I need to know what is good for me and bad.
So I dropped from 120 lbs... to 112 lbs.... to 107 lbs. I lost the most weight when I took most carbs out of my diet.

What I have eaten today
1 Banana
6 Cherry tomatoes
3 Whole stone wheat crackers with Brie Cheese and salsa

Lots and lots of crystal light my new favo flavor is the raspberry ice tea.

My stomach feels so full. Why do I feel like I binged???

Confused

Sat, 19 May 2007 15:35:09 GMT

I went to bed really late last night. Yet I still managed to set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. so that I could go to the gym.

I worked out and then was scared to death to get on the scale. It seems as though I lost 4 pounds from two weeks ago. Is it possible? It was a scale at the gym. I feel the same, look the same, and my clothes fit the same. It must be wrong or am I that screwed up in the head that I do not notice an improvement in my body.

Am I that screwed up that no matter how much effort I put in something I still feel as if Im a failure.

GW over all: 95
HW 120
LW 95
CW 108

still not happy but hangin in there.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 15:41:18 GMT

My roommate asked me what I ate last night.
I told her for breakfast I had an Ensure protein drink
Lunch I had soup
Dinner I had salad (but I had a huge salad so it was a lot of calories)

I also had one chocolate piece.
She said that I didnt eat enough and was concerned. She was eating cheese and meat so I decided to eat a slice and then I had one pita chip with Hummus.

It was so late but I had to eat it to prove that I was fine and there is nothing wrong with me.

Whats wrong with wanting to be skinny??? I dont think its bad and I ate three meals that day.

Other then focusing on food I am not sure if I like my job. I hate not knowing where my life is going or what my career should be. I feel so lost that maybe if I dont eat things will get better and I can just DISAPEAR.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 17:25:19 GMT

Went out with friends...
They ordered food and I just ordered a coffee drink. I told them that I would pick at their food.
Conversation was so deep that no one noticed that I didnt eat.

Later that night we went out to Karaokee and I had two alcoholic drinks.
I had the worst headache the next day I think because there was nothing in my system to absorb the food.

Binged last night for dinner
Pizza 3 slices

I hate how some days I do wonderful and other days I dont do so well.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:15:38 GMT

A show about eating disorders is on FOX 11 if anyone lives in the California Area.

Happy

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 18:28:02 GMT

Today I was able to fit in a pair of jeans that I have been struggling to get my butt and thighs in.

I was scared to try them on and they went up smooth like butter. I am happy because I am also on my period and I was still able to get them on

Yesterday I ate
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Hummus, crackers, handfull of nuts
Dinner: soy chili with tomatos and cheese on it
Snack: One slice of wheat bread with butter (bad I know)
Felt good about most of the food because portions were really small.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 08:22:10 GMT

Breakfast: Tea
Snack: Apricot
Lunch: Tomato Soup, Spinach, Wheat Thins
Snack: Small handfull of Nuts
Dinner: Tilapia, Veggies, Apple

Water all day long!!

website

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 17:43:16 GMT

I liked this link:

To remember

http://www.freewebs.com/everythingprothinspo/

http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 11:34:47 GMT

Breakfast: Hummus 3 crackers Tea
Lunch: Cup onion Soup 12 Cheetos
Dinner: Soup with Carrot, Pea Pods, Shrimp

Actually feel proud of my meal choices today although the onion soup had more sodium in it then I would of liked.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 08:15:35 GMT

Breakfast: Tea
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Salsa, Shrimp, Pinto Beans, Veggies

Lots of water
about 4 cups of tea through out the day

Got home late and I ate a snack size candy bar: Sometimes I feel as if I have no control
Damn the chocolate companies!!

I suck

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 18:23:29 GMT

I was so happy because I had my food under control
breakfast I had tea and some cherry tomatoes

Snack another cup of tea three crackers and hummus

my friends asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch and I declined and said I had a lot of work to finish. (I hate to eat out that is when I reach my point of no control) I always feel that since I bought food which is extremely large portions that I need to finish everything. I always feel sick after eating out and I hate myself and I look in the mirror and see gluttony, a fat loafer, pure ugliness.

Anyways
My friends and I met up again later that night and they could hear my stomach growling. I said I wasnt hungry but we all walked into a restaurant. Picturing all the nasty fat I was grotesque to eating anything, but I ordered chicken fingers I only had three which was ok I guess.

We were all out on the town and then they wanted breakfast thats when I completely lost it and felt the relapse. I had bacon, eggs, and a bagel with tons of cream cheese on it. Why did I eat all of it. I didnt even want it but I cant control myself and throw food away.

I hate restaurants.......... why cant friends just meet at a place where there is no food....... why do things have to always revolve around eating?

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 23:53:04 GMT

Doing great today.
I actually got a compliment that I looked skinnier and today my friend said she loved my jeans.
Although compliment not directed toward my body it still felt nice.

Eating great

Breakfast Hummus and Cherry Tomatoes
Lunch: Tomato Soup with spinach 3 sesame crackers

Oh but I had one chocolate Truffle (I guess its ok to treat once in a while)

Resisted going out to eat with friends!!

Today was Victorias Secret Semi Annual Sale: Bras and Underwear still fit the same. I guess looking at it in a good way things are not too tight. Would love if things were too big maybe in a couple months.

Going to the movies tonight (I am going to wear my new sexy underwear wohoo)

?

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 02:07:19 GMT

Bored today.

A little tired

had two cups of tea
tomato soup 1/2 cup
Hummus and 6 crackers (too much)

A little hungry now but I dont want to eat. I want to feel the fat burn away.

Sometimes I feel crazy other times I wonder what it is that I am doing to myself but I dont think I can stop.

My roommate wanted me to eat a cookie and I said maybe later. Then she told me not to throw the cookies out (which is what I wanted to do)
She thinks I have an eating disorder but I dont think so. Its not like I dont eat anything at all. I just think I tend to eat healthy.

Im not even underweight. I think if I was underweight then she could consider it to be an eating disorder. (I know complete denial)

She asked me what I wanted to weight and I said 95 lbs she said why not 100 and I said that I was only 5'1" being 95 lbs would put me at the perfect bmi and she doesnt understand why I want to be at the smallest possible point of still being healthy with a low bmi.

My roommate is lucky she can eat whatever she wants but she is skinny. She doesnt understand from a perspective of someone who is "bigger"
Even though I think I am fat at least I am not obeist. I guess that is one way to look at it.

I dont care what other people think. In terms of what I should eat, I just want to be skinny.

Ick

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 21:02:20 GMT

My roomate is back from being out of town. I did so well eating without anyone being here.
Only vegetables water tea
hardly any carbs no sweets.

This morning I was not going to eat but my roommate offered me leftover pad thai.
I was hesitant to eat it but decided I would.

Small bowl and I told my roommate I ate too much. She said it was healthy and told me I had an eating problem. Strange I said "Well maybe I do"

Very unexpected.

Tummy ache from food

I feel so alone even posting in a journal in a community.

Content

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 09:30:21 GMT

Wow

I went to work today to fill in for someone at a restaurant that I used to work at but no longer do (only filled in because the manager is really cool) I got through the entire day without eating any of the blueberry muffins or chocolate chip cookies. To my surprise I didnt even have to fight the urge

Which is good. I have slowly been taking carbs out of my diet and today proved that I can be strong.

Tonight was a dinner Christmas party night. The good thing was it was at a seafood restaurant which makes it easier to eat healthy.

I had vegetables, salad, mahi mahi, shrimp and a glass of wine.
There were cheesy mashed potatos on my plate and I only took one bite and decided I didnt want it.
Although it seems like a lot of food the portions were small because it was a fancy restaurant. Mahi Mahi was the size of my palm and the shrimp were the tiny ones. Perfect portions for tiny tummys!!

I think I did ok today considering I didnt eat until 8:00 p.m. and I also had physical activity.

Out wit friends....Disapoint

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 16:29:25 GMT

I am sad and I hate food of which I enjoy so much.

The day started out well for breakfast I had tea
Mid afternoon snack: 3 almonds
Lunch Vegetables stirfry: Zucchini, onion, eggplant, tofu
Late Snack: 3 spoon fulls of fat free cottage cheese

Then I was supposed to go out to dinner with a guy who I somewhat liked. He has a very busy work schedule since he is a program director in a company. I thought for sure this time we would actually get to go out. Plans changed and I got sad. I was home all day and I needed to get out I wanted to scream and then I sat at the computer looking at the comments on this website and I started to cry. I am not sure why because I felt as if I did ok but then I felt I ate too much.

I called a friend and she asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. I suggested a drink place only and said I wasnt hungry (because I truelly wasnt) Ended up at Subway and she wanted to do the two meal for $7.99 I knew that I would relapse and have my usual tuna sub plus I ate my harvest cheddar multi grain chips and a beverage. (I have not had any sweet beverages such as soda pop for a couple months) but at least I was able to keep it down to one cup and filled with ice to to the top). Then she wanted to go to Starbucks I said I was full but she wanted a cranberry scone. She asked me to try it and I said no thanks then she said try it so I pinched the corner off and down it went. I said yum (which I shouldnt of) and she broke off half and gave it to me. I had no choice but to eat it infront of her.

I love to ride on motorcycles, I had a break up in the summer and have not been on a bike since then. She was telling me that tonight was bike night and I could ride on the back of a mutual friends bike (who is a friend of my ex) I said ok

Since summer I have not ridden and sitting on the seat this time hurt my butt. Normally I dont have this problem but I think it was the bike seat. My butt feels really sore today. The ride wasnt even that long....... getting of the subject.

Everyone wanted to go to coffee bean and I said that I just had a drink and food and that I was full. One of the friends ordered me a a drink and they said whip cream. At least the cup was not see through. I took a couple sips throughout the night but most of it I was able to throw away. ( I always feel bad when I through out food but I think its best for it to be in the trash then to be in my stomach).

The night started to get late and we went dancing. I didnt drink any alcohol because I had so much shit through out the day.

When the night was over it is now 2 a.m. and everyone wants to get breakfast. I said that I was full and we just ate. Everyone said that it was so long ago.
There I was sitting at a Table at Norms and everyone is eating bacon, eggs, toast, ect.
I had to get something so I ordered chicken fingers. I gave some away and I think I had 2 1/2.

I hate these situations
I hate feeling like I am supposed to eat when I dont want to
I hate the fact that I constantly feel that food is an enemy
I hate and I know there was a time in my life when I didnt hate and feel as if food is the enemy

tonight I have another dinner event but at least I have the entire day to Just Be.

Another Day

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 23:15:13 GMT

I have been doing good eating wise.
I have only had a small bowl of vegetables and an apple.

I am supposed to go out for Sushi with a guy who I like.
Already I feel guilty for eating something that has not been eaten yet?

How strange.
I love to go out to dinner with friends, family, or possible boyfriend but at the same time I feel lost, empty, insecure, and I also hate to go out to eat.

Confused